Freewrite 2

I really hate this. This aching feeling in my stomach that makes me want to throw up. They say that its ok, but it isn't. Everyone is leaving me, and I stay. I want to run and get as far away as I can. I crave travel and fame. Am I able to get those things? No, it seems like I am stuck in the whirlpool of suck that is this town.
Maybe college will be different. Maybe then I won't feel so guilty about wanting something better for myself. Is it bad that I can see myself in front of a crowd of people, bringing something to them that they had never thought of before? Is that bad? Am I selfish for wanting these things? Can someone please explain to me which desires are beneficial and which are superficial? I question everything about my life now. Am I good enough? Is this right? Do they get it? Then I have to pit myself against my peers and compare us. Look at her body, I could never be as beautiful. Look at how she moves, such grace I will never have. Listen to that voice, how could I ever compare?
I become envious and I fester hate for them simply because they have talent or beauty or something I feel like I don't. I now want more than anything to be better! I have become obsessed with bettering myself because I am finally being praised and appreciated for my work. All my life I have spent my time pointing the great things in my friends out, and I shied away from my talent and beauty. I never took the advice that I gave to my friends because I never believed that I deserved it.
By encouraging others, have I been silently killing my own self esteem? I build the people around me up, and in the process, I tear myself down. Though I dole out these words of affirmation, I never get my own. People don't see that I need to be built up as well, and even if they are happy, and I am smiling, inside I am weeping, mourning over the loss of my confidence and assurance.
I am confident in one thing, my voice. I have found the one thing in this world that can makle me feel beautiful, talented, intelligent, happy, and satisfied. When I sing, I can conquer the world, but then people tell me that I am getting a big head. So, I lower my self esteem again and I feel like nothing. Why can't I be confident and proud of myself? Is that cockiness? Why is this such a bad thing?
I understand that my talent can get to my head, but I earned this respect for myself. I work day in and day out singing my ass off, and that is a bad thing now? If I'm not good tell me, but if I am,,. why can't I have some pride in what I do? I will not be satisfied with little. I have big dreams and I will accomplish them. Call me cocky all you want, I will not stay stagnant in this little town for the rest of my life.